Like A Penny With A Hole In It

seems like it's been a while. life has both ended and begun since i last posted my feelings.

my mom's college roommate's father-in-law passed away a few weeks ago. at first i didn't want to go to the wake because i didn't know him, but my mom told me that you go to wakes/funerals for the living not for the dead. and she's right. yes, some of your motivation to go could come from the relationship you had with the deceased, but a lot of your motivation should come from the relationship you have with the living that are suffering from the death of a loved one. it was sad. i had never been to a wake before. and i've only been to one funeral in my life. i don't come in contact with death often, and for that i'm both blessed and grateful. i was glad i went to the wake though. i was able to show my support physically instead of just through a card.

and then... my cousin trey had a baby girl on christmas eve. her name is layla marie. she's almost 2 months premature i believe. she weighed 4lbs, 8oz and she's still at the hospital now in the incubator. she's so cute... and i usually think newborns look funny. but not this one. not my baby cousin. she's so cute and tiny.

it kinda sucks to be "grown up" with a job and all. i feel like i'm missing out on the college life sometimes. a big part of college is SLEEPING. haha... well maybe you don't think so, but you know what i mean. i want to be able to do what i want to do, when i want to do it. i hate having an agenda. we don't have classes again until january 31st, and i should be livin the life right now, but instead i'm stuck at work. what kind of bullshit is that? don't get me wrong, i enjoy my job and i'm grateful for the opportunity, but damn. can i live?

i need a get rich quick scheme. any suggestions? this one ain't workin fast enough.

so christmas went well over all. i spent a lot of money on gifts (as i stated in a previous entry) but i also received a good amount of gifts, so i think it was worth it. gotta give a little to get a little. anyway, wanna know what i got? peep the list below. i made oatmeal cookies for my grandfather and will make drapes for my grandmother in the near future. i got my mama and mr. tony a tv for the kitchen cause the old one broke. my gifts made people happy and the ones i received made me happy.

• lovely christmas cards
• money
• earrings
• coat
• luggage
• clothes
• purple picture frame
• purple jewelry box
• massage chair for my car
• neck pillow
• journal
• automatic starter for my car
• perfume
• gift certificate to a spa

i chilled with my cousin for a bit (not the one that's a daddy now, but his brother). we did what we always do when i go home. good times. my grandfather noticed for the first time that i have a tongue ring. i've had this piercing since may 27, 2003. "what does it mean?" he asks. it doesn't mean anything. i like it, so i got it. then he asked me to promise him that i would take it out after i graduated. i told him i'd think about it. i mean, yes, i want to please my grandfather and do as he wishes; however, i don't see the big deal. if i am ready to part with it by may 26, 2005 then yes i will take it out. but if i'm not, then i won't. there will be another graduation. my graduation from grad school. that should be may 2007. i could take it out then. but sheesh. if he's acting like this over the tongue ring, then imagine how he'd respond to the... other stuff.

"until the end of time, i'll be there for you. you are my heart and mind. i truly adore you. if God one day struck me blind, your beauty i'll still see..." adore is a classic. prince is a genius.

i've been feelin kinda empty lately. like a part of me is missing. i know what the problem is, but i have no idea how to fix it. at this point, i don't even know if it should be "fixed" or if it's even possible. time will tell.

so... i joined a book club today. how nifty is that? haha. nifty. ok i apologize for that word choice. anyway, the book club should be interesting. i like to read. especially now since i have so much damn time on my hands. i need to pick up a book cause all i've been doing is watching dvd after dvd. at least i got caught up on the whole first season of nip/tuck. and let me tell you, that is a good show. i was skeptical at first, but i have seen the light.

you love me don't you.

Allow Me To Ponder

"you, therefore

have no excuse

you who pass judgment on someone else

for whatever point you judge the other

you are condemning yourself."

Romans 2:1

my goodness. i'm bout to go crazy. do you know how much money i've spent on christmas? tis the season dammit. but now i'm bout to go into bah humbug mode. this shit is crazy. why am i acting like i have money? why am i acting like i'm rolling in it? shit. credit cards are the work of the devil. some shit's gonna have to go back. i'll see if the receiving matches up with the giving before i make any drastic decisions. this is why you must keep all receipts.

i can't help that i love to give. don't get me wrong, i enjoy receiving as well. but the look on people's faces when you give them something they really wanted, or something they really like - that they didn't even know they wanted... priceless. i know it sounds corny, but that's honestly how i feel. i love making other people happy. it makes me happy to see the people i care about happy.

don't mistake my kindness for weakness though. some people do. that's most definately the wrong conclusion to come to.

today is the first day of me chillaxing. well, i have a few christmas gifts left to get and some birthday gifts to exchange, but other than that... i'm free. no commitments after work. well, at least none that i can't get out of.

why don't you come entertain me in your free time? call ahead to schedule an appointment.

i think i'm gonna change my hours at work. i'm gonna make it so they expect me to come in later. so when i come in "late", i'm on time, and if i come in earlier, then i'm "early", so i can leave early. i think it works out for the best this way because i'm not gonna do nothin but just continue to oversleep. for some reason i just can't get my ass to bed at a decent time. i'm always stayin up with the homeys, thinkin i'm gonna miss somethin or when i do actually go to bed "on time" i'm awakened outta my sleep by random visitors.

oh i wish you could feel this feeling i feel. i wish you could understand the absolute glee that is in my heart right now because i'm almost done with undergrad. 5 years. 5 looong years. i know i'm gonna miss college once it's all over, but right now, i can't see that far. i just see the near future which is me gettin the hell outta undergrad and the hell off this damn campus - which i slightly hate by the way.

so lately i've been contemplating whether i should try to call my used-to-be-good-friend. i was gonna call on thanksgiving (holidays are always a good excuse to talk to someone you haven't talked to in a while) but i realized i erased his number out of my cell phone. and no, that wasn't malicious on my part. he is the one that has the beef with me, not vice versa. weeks... no, actually MONTHS have gone by and we still haven't talked. i can only do but so much. therefore i erased his name out my phonebook. fixing things shouldn't be one-sided. i refuse to continue to call someone that won't return my phone calls. i still don't understand how our friendship could end so abruptly... and over A GIRL at that. ah oh well. if it ceases, it was never real... right? so i guess it was all a figment of my imagination - for 7 years... damn.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

"i've discovered a way to stay friends forever -

there's really nothing to it.

i simply tell you what to do and you do it"

shel silverstein

guess who was late to work today!!! guess who didn't go to work yesterday!! haha. this shit needs to stop. my new year's resolution will be to get to all events on time. i can get to meetings and class on time, but when it comes to dragging myself out of bed all early in the damn morning... i don't know. i just lose all motivation. it goes right out the window.

and somebody COULD HAVE called to wake me up this morning. but they didn't. thanks. i hope you were late too.

i'm just kiddin...

i used to be in love with lorna doones. i no longer enjoy the once delectable shortbread cookie. i don't know why that is. things change i guess.

and when the hell do the girl scouts startin selling their merchandise? does anybody have a girl scout in the family? i will be in need of somoas and thin mints. contact me if you have the inside scoop.

i have to study for my last test which takes place today at 5:30. if you ever need to take philosophy, jim thomas is your man. he's the greatest teacher because he actually makes sense. it's fun to go to his class because he relates the lessons to the real world so you can really understand the concept. i took 100 and 152 with the man and he's still doin the damn thing.

so here it is, dec 14th, and i'm 85% done with christmas shopping. i think i'm in my fourth phase of christmas in general. or maybe its the fifth. allow me to explain - my theory on christmas is that we go through about 7 phases on how we feel about christmas, based on our age.

first phase: we're babies, so we don't really know what the hell is going on anyway.

second phase: we're children and we look foward to christmas from thanksgiving day, if not sooner. we're excited to see presents under the tree, we can't wait to take pictures with santa, and we love the week off of school and playing in snow.

third phase: we're adolescents, but we stil look foward to getting presents. we now have to think about what we're going to get others, which could be hard, because most likely there isn't an abundance of funds for extravagent christmas gifts. we no longer believe in santa... you realize it was your mom all along. we're still excited about the week off of school though.

fourth phase: we're young adults. christmas has become somewhat of a routine. we know that its time for family to get together. we know what mom is gonna say at dinner. we know what grandma is gonna get us and when the christmas tree will go up (if we still have one). the gifts start to diminsh... more gift cards and cash are given. who knows what to get a young adult for christmas? nobody. your christmas list is longer due to the things you have to buy as opposed to what you want to receive. the money still isn't there yet though... you want to chill with your friends more than your family. that time off for christmas is longer than a week now.

fifth phase: we're older. your friends have kids now. you have a bit more money. so you shop more for others. christmas is still routine, but you dont mind it. you go home, chill with the family, and you're on your way to go out or do as you please with no complaints because you're grown now. you don't necessarily look foward to christmas, but you don't mind it either. unless you like to decorate and send out christmas cards and such...

sixth phase: you have kids. christmas is all about them. this is kinda overlapped with the first and second phase because your kids are living through those while you're watching. your motivation is to make your kids happy and get what they asked santa for. you drag your children to take the christmas pictures and to the family events so everybody can see how they've grown.

seventh phase: your kids are grown and you may have grandkids. you're pooped. just pass the egg nog (with plenty of rum) and watch the holiday go by.

either way, i'm ready for school to be done so when i come home from work, i can chill all the way out and not have to worry about somethin being due or some test to study for.

what do you want for christmas?

All That I Can Say

today is alan's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALAN!

so maybe life isn't all about being happy. maybe it's more important that you're content. who knows.

yesterday was fun. my group completed our final presentation in our systems analysis class. i think it went pretty well. there is this dude in the class that sits up front and always has some shit to say about everything the teacher or anybody else says. while we were trying to fix a slight problem in our presentation before class started, that dude was there and he kept commenting on what we should do and how we should do it. first of all, he didn't know what the hell the problem was in the first place, so how can you offer advice when you don't know the whole story. second of all, shut the hell up. so he started saying how we should have done this, and should have done that. then one of my group members just looks up from the computer and says "how bout you stop being such a smart ass" and then goes back to working. it was funny.

we got a 24.5 out of 25 on that presentation. i don't think the teacher likes that dude either.

after the presentation, i planned to study, but instead went to supreme's and chilled. i was so tired, but i didn't go to sleep because i was too busy playing minesweeper.

last night was the terrace hill buck auction. matt from res life came out to see how it was gonna turn out. i am proud to say i'm a part of this community. the program went smoothly yesterday and it seemed people were enjoying themselves. we gave away good prizes too... umbc stuff (t shirts, sweatshirt, umbrella, mugs, etc.), fleece pillow/blanket sets, really nice cookie jars with pre-packaged cookies in them, a coffee set, smores kits, body lotion/wash sets, dvds, cds, and a 13" tv. there was more, but i just can't remember right now. all you gotta do to earn more money is to attend programs. we'll see how it goes next semester. i anticipate an even greater turn out.

of course i wanted to go to sleep after that was over. the auction lasted about 2 hours. sheesh. but i had to do jen's hair real quick so she could have crinkles. i didn't mind too much though. if i wasn't sleepy, i wouldn't have minded at all. that's what friends are for.

we were gonna go to the store afterwards, but i chose to pass out in my bed instead.
oh yes... my bed. my lovely bed. did we talk about how i changed my room around? and how it's a brand new room with brand new possiblities and brand new curtains. i love it. you should come see it. well... call first because i need to filter thru the requests. :)

and my throat hurts. but i have thera flu to take care of that. i wanna take it now to relieve the pain, but i wil surely fall asleep at my desk and that will be the end of that.

2 more tests to go before this semester is done.

Ain't No Feeling Like Being Free

i started off good, writing in here everyday. i need to keep up, but i've been busy... or lazy. however you want to classify it, it resulted in me missing more than a week of entries.

recently, i've been forced to take a closer look at things and really think about how it is that i want to live my life. what i want to do, who i want to be, where i want to go, when i want to do these things, and who i want to be included. not who i want to be included in each step of my life, but who i want to be a part of my life in general. it sounds a little corny, but it's a big deal to me. actually, i think if it sounds corny, then you just haven't gotten there yet. you will. eventually you'll stop and think about everything that's going on with you. once you think you have everything figured out, that's when life smacks you back to reality. and you'll see that there's still a long way until it's all clear.

are we there yet? no.

if you pay close attention, there are many lessons to be learned each day. i try to pay attention. i think it makes a difference.

true happiness is a goal of mine. i was there once, but... i'm gonna say that didn't count. i'm always ALMOST there... but almost just isn't good enough anymore.

on a lighter note, the semester is almost over. 7 school days left until the conclusion of classes. i'm excited because i don't have any finals, so dec. 14th is really my last day of the fall semester. one more to go and i'm done with undergrad.

and i'll be right back for grad school. gotta keep the momentum going and stay on the education track while i still have the energy. i know some people are taking breaks before getting their master's. that's cool and i wish i could do the same, but i know me. i'll take a break from school, and enjoy myself too much and not wanna go back. my willpower is on low.

i can't wait til big bro comes back. just 3 more months. maybe 4. we'll see.

check out the destiny's child cd... track 9. if you don't have it, you can get it off me on my aol screen name if you do a "get file." that's where all my music is.

take heed: i am interested only in the present. if you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy person... life is the moment we're living right now. so stop worrying, stop wondering and just live.