Bring it On

i feel like when shit happens to me, it happens hard. it's as if there's no such thing as mediocre. either things are extremely good or extremely bad. let's take a guess at which one we're experiencing now...

some changes need to be made. one of which is the power that i allow others to have over my moods. i emphatically refuse to let others determine how it is that i will feel. i've allowed it so far, so the only one to blame for this infraction is myself. it's cool though. it's all good over here. one of the biggest parts of life is learning. and that's what i'm trying so hard to do. i'm trying to learn from my mistakes. one of the biggest mistakes i've made so far is trusting others with my thoughts, my feelings, and my well-being. the only person you can truly depend on is yourself. lately i've just been getting my feelings hurt left and right because i left myself open for such. i wasn't willing to understand that ain't nobody thinkin about me like i think about them. that leads to another change that will be made effective immediately. my selflessness will be converted to selfishness. i'm tired of playing the "victim." i'd rather play the part of the "bitch."

hmmm. maybe not the "bitch"... maybe more like the "bitch's cousin" - who is generaly a good person, but has cold-hearted tendencies when necessary. yes. i like that role much better.

now that we've temporarily found a solution to that problem... i'm going to move on and get rid of the melancholy behavior.

i got to work on-time today. got here at 6:05am. that's actually 2.5 hrs early, but i'm tryin to get here earlier so i can leave earlier. i'd rather have a full afternoon than a lazy morning.

my neck hurts.

i'm going to get something dazzling done to my phone today. i'm tired of looking at the same gray exterior. let's see how this turns out.

i gotta go home and get my other w2 so i can get my taxes completed. a friend of mine's father does my taxes, and i'm quite excited to see what it is that will be returned to me. i need it returned to me in a prompt manner, seeing as how money is something we could all use.

dammit, i forgot about buying books for the upcoming semester. i'm taking 6 classes, 2 of which are pe's. i wonder if you need a book for science 100... i'll check on that.

i just applied for graduation. i can't believe it! we're nearing the end people... we're nearing the end. all those of you that aren't graduating this year, probably think that i'm talking about it too much, but if you were so close to finishing, you would understand. i totally wasn't feeling it last year when the seniors/super-seniors were walkin around talkin about how they were almost done. i always thought "big deal." but now that i see it from their point of view... now that i'm sooooooooo close.... oh it's a BIG DEAL alright.

and i better see you at the ceremony too. don't make me come after you.

Friends... How Many of Us Have Them?

Yesterday
so it begins. the snow. i keep hearing different amounts that we're supposed to be getting. the point is, that it's gonna be a lot. we'll be snowed in, so it's the perfect opportunity to get fucked up for no reason. break out the liquor.

i'm watchin this sweet 16 thing on mtv. these girls are so damn spoiled. i just don't understand. i know if i had it like that, i wouldn't act all "holier than thou." don't get me wrong, i would make sure i had whatever i wanted, but i'm not the kind of person that's extra into the name brands and stuff. if i had money like that, what would be more important to me is getting what i want when i want. like, if i'm in the mall, i can buy what i want. it doesn't have to be gucci or prada or coach. does it sound like i'm hating? cause that's not it. i really just wish that other people could have more as opposed to a few people having it all. especially when those few don't appreciate or realize how lucky they are. however, when they do appreciate the abundance of monetary funds they possess, then i'm ok with that. because then it's understood that how you live is not the norm.

i dunno where all that came from.

winter break is winding down. thank goodness. i'm getting sick of the full time work life. it's so ugh. i understand that's how it works. you need a job to be able to do anything, because you need the money and the benefits. but sheesh. can't i just sleep?

Today
so i no longer know who my real friends are. again, i have to stop and evaluate who is worth it. everytime this shit happens it makes me mad. why can't you just do what i do for you? you expect certain things from me as a friend, so why is it that you can't do the same for me? fuck it. my friend list is gettin shorter and shorter by the day, while my associate list gets longer. it's ok. it's all good. the Lord only shows you what he wants you to see. sometimes i close my eyes to it, but now they're wide open. i'm too through. that's the final fuckin straw.

it just added to a horrible night last night. i got too drunk and threw up like 3 times and wasn't able to go back to sleep until like 5 in the mornin.

i just don't feel like writin no more.

Pieces of That Puzzle

HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY TARA!!! i still can't believe your ass is going to south america for 2 years. got damn.

so let's talk about how i've been working (literally) ever since i stepped foot in here this morning. now i know you're probably thinking "so what." and if you're thinking that, then you must not be a friend of mine. because if you were, you would know that i try my hardest to do absolutely nothing. in this case i have no choice because a massive amount of work was dumped in my lap as of last week and i must finish it by the end of january. good luck to me.

i'm excited. school's startin soon.

i'm so tired right now... i think i'm gonna take a nap in the handicapped stall in the women's bathroom. i could use a refresher.
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ok and i'm back. nothin like a quick nap during the work day to get you back on your feet. that's another reason why i can't wait til i get my house. i plan for it to be down here near work, so durin lunch, i can just take my ass home and go to sleep.

oh to live alone. how wonderful that will be. walking in your residence, knowing that everything is as you left it... knowing that you can do as you please, when you please, where you please for however long you please... heavenly. and that is the one part of life that i simply cannot wait for.

i went to the movies last night. coach carter was inspirational. it was very cute.

does the general population floss often? i know i don't. i need to though. i was thinking about getting my teeth professionally bleached, but i don't want them to look artificial. plus that shit is expensive and i just don't got it like that.

i'm not a perfect person. just thought i'd share, in case you thought otherwise.

have you ever been seduced before? do you know what it feels like? it's like you have no control over what's going on. it feels like... you're just goin wit the flow, but you're not really aware of what that flow is. it's like your mind shuts down and you're just doing what feels right to your body. it just feels... so good. now you want more. i know i do.

"it's bout time we get together. let's dance now, hook up later; we can do whatever..."

there's much more to me than the eye can see.

I Like Myself, I'm Worth A Lot

guess what time i got to work today. 11 o'clock. and its only 12:46 now, but i'm ret to go. i be lazy on fridays. i don't know why it is, but in my mind, it's already the weekend, so i'm not in the working mood. it's hard to get me motivated to do anything productive on fridays... just for future reference.

i rented this movie from blockbuster called "employee of the month." i had never heard of it before but christina applegate and that dude from "saving silverman" were in it (the one that had the rodent business) and there were a lot of copies of the movie there so i figured it would be good. and it was. i wouldn't say it was spectacular per se, but it was pretty good. i liked the ending. good endings are very important don't you think?

i had a manager's meeting last night for black alley i think that we're going places. the band is supposed to be performing at all star weekend in february, but it's still up in the air as of last night, so we'll see. i hope they do get to perform because if so, i get to go. and i'm on the hunt so this would be the perfect setting for all that. haha... yes, yes it would.

annnnnd, they're throwing a party in my honor after i graduate. yessss. i'm not sure which club it will be at, but i'll keep you posted.

there's nothing dramatic going on in my world at this time, so i don't have much to say.

Too Blessed

ok ok... so i have a bad habit of good intentions. what's wrong with good intentions, you ask? well the bad part comes in when you don't follow through. i am always there for the big things, but for the little things (especially if it's for me) i slack at times. case and point: blogspot. it's not for you, it's for me. and i need to write more. it makes me feel better when i'm having bad days.

but then again it's hard to put my feelings into words when i'm that upset. i'm not upset now though. i'm content. not the best place to be, but also not the worst. i'm too blessed to be stressed. i just need to work on believing that all the time.

so. although i'm excited as hell to graduate, i'm also scared as hell. the scary part just kicked in... yesterday. shit man. i'm bout to GRADUATE. yes, i have a job, and yes i have an idea of the possibilities of future schooling, but... damn. you do understand that once undergrad is over, you are viewed as an adult? you can argue with me til you're blue in the face, but that's what i believe. yes we're all over 18, so TECHNICALLY we're already adults, but once you graduate from college... once you hit 22 or 23 years old... childhood is over and done with. i'm not ready to be an adult per se. let me re-phrase that. yes, i'm ready to reap the benefits from adulthood, but i'd rather go without the responsibilities. like... paying bills. haha... yea that's my biggest issue.

i want to buy a house in the next few months. my aunt (who also doubles as my real estate agent - need a house? holla at me and i'll patch you through to her) told me that i need to be able to afford $1500 a month for mortgage. $1500 a month? got damn. so yes, it's doable. but i'll be sittin in my house doin nothin because i won't have any extra money to go out or have fun or even eat. i definately must have fun. i must. so instead of this summer, we're looking at january 2006. stay tuned for the house warming invite.

so i'm into that star song by the roots. i do love the roots. always have.

oh and my computer is working now! well actually, it isn't working, but i have a new one. new to me. so far it's a free computer. i called the previous owner so i could give her some money for it, but she still has yet to call me back so i guess she don't care. no problem. if she doesn't care, then neither do i.

i have a gmail account now. i feel kind of important. because you can only have a gmail account if you are invited. the "importance" of it all will soon fade with time. but for now i feel like i'm some sort of hot shot. bear with me.

i have a meeting today at 4pm. that sucks because i was tryin to dip the hell out at 4. i have another meeting tonight at 10, but it's not at NASA. it's in DC, so i wanted to go back up to school and take a long ass nap cause i know i'm gonna be up all night. them boys can talk. yes and i might be at all star weekend in february. i'll find out all the details to that tonight. i might have some conning and buttering up to do in order to go, but i'm sure it will be worth it. somebody owes me money anyway... we won't name names (hint hint) but i'm sure it will cover the cost of my air fare.

ah well. lemme transition back into work mode so i can continue to blow these people away with my unmatched skills.

love you lots! until next time...